The funniest George Carlin quotes for almost any occasion

Let’s start with the basics. George Carlin is clearly one of the funniest stand up comedians ever. If you don’t agree, then frankly we don’t know why you’re reading this. But in any case, we’d point to the funniest George Carlin quotes on any number of topics. It seems to us that this body of work makes him more than a comic.

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We’d call him a philosopher if that didn’t somehow suck the funny out of it. Whatever you think he should be called, one thing is clear. He left us with some incredible observations from a brilliant comedic mind.

What we look for in the funniest George Carlin quotes

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Any of his best stand up specials is packed with tons of memorable punchlines. But some of his critiques of culture and society rose above jokes. Here’s what we think make his work so special.

  • Biting commentary – Frankly, it can be frustrating to listen to someone on a soap box. But when that person is George Carlin and he’s on a stage, it’s something much different.
  • Lasting impression – The funniest George Carlin quotes were not about current events. Sure, they might have made such references. But it was part of a much wider statement that remains relevant.
  • Big laughs – Well, obviously. They wouldn’t be his funniest if they didn’t get laughs. We put this one in here because we like to have three bullet points.

So after those considerations, we picked the funniest George Carlin quotes on the topics below.

1. Politics

Making fun of politicians is low hanging fruit for most stand up comedians. But some of the funniest George Carlin quotes take it to a new level. Whether in his stage act or books, here are some of our favorites.

  • “The word ‘bipartisan’ usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
  • “In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
  • “These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.”

2. Intelligence

Perhaps it is a natural segue from his thoughts on politics. Here are some of the funniest George Carlin quotes about what he thought of the average intellect.

  • “If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.”
  • “Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of ’em are stupider than that.”
  • “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

3. Life and death

Nothing gets weightier than life and death. And leave it to him to have a fresh — and funny — take every time. The funniest George Carlin quotes included more than a few morbid thoughts.

  • “Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.”
  • “I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.”
  • “At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”

4. Annoyances

Many of the funniest stand up comedians talk about things that make us all mad. But the funniest George Carlin quotes add a new dimension. They often also cause us to consider whether we’re being fair in our harsh criticism.

  • “Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot and anybody driving faster than you is a maniac.”
  • “Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
  • “Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.”

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